Acquainted with Grief

Dear Sister,

Mourning and grief are something that we have all experienced in different ways, but sometimes it seems hard to know the best way to grieve with those around us. Grief can be defined as a profound sorrow experienced following a significant loss.

Sometimes this loss can be due to a death, and other times it can be a change of circumstances. Feelings of sadness in ourselves and others can feel awkward. When we feel uncomfortable, we often try to push those feelings aside. We instead try to focus our efforts on cheering up our friend or loved one without first dealing with the feelings of loss and pain. It is hard to navigate how to support someone who is grieving.

Recently, I had a close friend text me and tell me that she was diagnosed with cancer. In the same week, another close friend that I grew up with shared with me that her mother was losing her battle with cancer. I would break down in tears intermittently at the thought of my friend battling with cancer or my friend’s mother losing her fight with cancer. In Romans 12 , there is the classic verse, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” The question remains, how do we weep and mourn when the season arises? How do we be present with our friends through times of grief and mourning? What do we feel we can give them as a balm to ease the pain of personal affliction and loss? In Isaiah 53:3, Jesus was described as a man of sorrows, acquainted with the most profound grief. When seeking examples of how to mourn, we can look to Jesus for guidance on how He supported His friends during times of loss.

The story in John 11 provides for us details of how Jesus dealt with mourning and grief when his friend Lazarus died. The text can be read here. Notably, when we examine his example, I would like to point out that we are not the Son of God. We do not usually tarry knowing that someone is already dead, or that we will have the power to raise them from the dead. However, we can glean from Jesus’ mind and actions what it is to love and mourn with our friends. Mary and Martha sent a messenger to Jesus to inform him that Lazarus was ill. It was mentioned on two different occasions how much Jesus loved Lazarus. It was a significant kind of love reserved for very close friends. Jesus knew it would be dangerous to return to Judea, where Lazarus was buried. Jesus could be stoned. However, he was not worried about returning because he knew he was doing the will of his Father. Jesus had a plan of showing himself as the Resurrection and the Life.

We first observe that Jesus showed his friends comfort by his physical presence. We can see that he was present with those who were mourning. He came to Martha, and he asked to speak directly with Mary. If Jesus were anyone other than the Son of God, Lazarus’ sickness and death could be perceived as an “inconvenience” to his plans to further his message outside of Judea. However, Jesus knew God had a greater plan for him to be present at that time. Even when mourning seems difficult or inconvenient, your presence alone can have a profoundly beneficial impact on those who are mourning.

The second thing that is significant about this passage is that Jesus listened to the pain and remorse of Martha and Mary. “If only you were there, my Lord, things would have been different.” You can hear the pain and hurt within their voices over the loss of their beloved Lazarus. In times of mourning, those who are struggling may blame themselves or others for what has occurred. Jesus could have rebuked them by saying, “It is not my fault that Lazarus died; why are you blaming me?” Not once did Jesus rebuke them during Martha’s or Mary’s interaction with him. Instead, he listened to them and held their grief in his heart. Jesus, of course, knew what he was going to do, but he listened to their pain of the loss of their brother.

The third way that Jesus grieved with his friends was through weeping with them. Jesus was moved to tears over the loss of Lazarus. In John 11:33, “When Jesus therefore saw her [Mary] weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled.” There are two ideas about why Jesus was deeply moved, but I would like to believe it is a combination of both. He was deeply moved due to the direct death of his close friend Lazarus, and Jesus felt anger toward the brokenness, separation, and hopelessness that humanity feels when we die without redemption. Jesus wept over his friend Lazarus and for all of humanity due to the sin that is in our world that brings destruction and separation. Weeping and mourning with our friend is most important in the grieving process.

Lastly, Jesus visited Lazarus’ grave with Mary and Martha. Jesus could have decided to heal him when Jesus was not physically present. He did that plenty of times. He could have chosen to heal him before they put him in the grave. There is much significance to Jesus standing before the tomb of Lazarus. A grave is a physical reminder of not only the presence of a physical body, but it is also like a door closed on a small part of a person’s life. There is something sacred and personal about visiting the place where someone has been laid to rest. Jesus physically standing before the grave in John 11 gives the juxtaposition of life and death facing one another. Jesus called Lazarus out of the grave. Sin and death were overcome through the living Christ as the true Resurrection and the Life. As Christians, we can visit the graves of our friends or loved ones. When we have Christ, we can remember in hope that this is not all there is to life. When those who die and have believed in Christ, death has lost its sting. We are no longer separated from God. “Neither death, nor life, nor angels or demons...can separate us from the love of Christ.” Romans 8:38-39

In summary, we can glean essential ways to support others who are grieving by understanding Jesus’ encounter with Mary and Martha. We learned to be present with them, visiting them even when it is not convenient or easy, listening to their hurts, pains, and regrets, not needing to use words to comfort or defend, and physically mourn and weep with them in times of pain and loss, and visit the gravesite. Lastly, we can grieve with hope, knowing that Jesus has conquered death. May we weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn well in the season of grief and loss.

Your worth is immeasurable. You have been bought at a price. You are loved.

Love,

Kayleen Moore