There are a thousand different tasks running through my mind: change the laundry, get the clothes ready for school, make lunches, what’s happening today, who is coming over. I frantically clean up the loose cereal strewn all over the floor from breakfast. Just five minutes after the two older ones were headed off to school; Get your shoes on, get your coat on, stop playing with that, stop messing with your brother. The words that came out of my mouth just minutes before were still ringing in my ears after the older two had already left.
The thoughts of what needed to happen next swirl in my mind. I have to call this person and do that thing. All of a sudden, I hear the words. “Play with me! Play with me!” I look down and see my youngest grabbing onto my leg. I mentally take note of her for the first time since the other two left. “I am sorry love, I say, I can’t play right now. We have friends coming over in an hour and the house is a mess!”
I run to pick up all the strewn toys that are around the kitchen and living room floor. I look around and see crumbs that need sweeping up from last night’s dinner that still clung to the floor. Dishes were in the sink from breakfast that needed to be washed. Papers were scattered all over the countertop that needed picking up. I hear the words again, “Play with me mommy!” In my mind, I think, Not right now kid, there are things to be done! Can’t you just play with yourself or something. (Yes, I am such a kind and loving mommy. #reallife)
I hear a small whisper in my mind. She needs your attention and affection. Reluctantly, I look down. “Honey, mommy has to get things ready for our guests, but let’s set the timer for 15 minutes and we can play with your babies and kitchen.” Her eyes light up like it is Christmas. “OK!” she says, running to get her toys. Everything is all set up. Her baby is sleeping. Tea is on the floor for her kitty and bear. All is right with the world. The 15-minute timer sounds. “Mommy has to finish cleaning up, but you can either play with your toys or help mommy wash the dishes.” “I am ok mommy, she says. I want to play with my toys some more.”
This story is almost an everyday occurrence in my house whether it be when trying to complete a task, cleaning or cooking a meal. The scenario is very real and demonstrates multiple things about our needs as a mom and our children’s needs.
A Toddler’s Desires (Geared for children 18 months-4 years old)
- The desire for mommy to pay attention to me
- The desire for mommy, the favorite playmate in the world, to play with me
- Toddlers use free play with adults as their way of understanding how the world works
- Other needs are unmet such as hunger, toileting or tiredness
A Mommy’s Desires
- I want to connect with my child
- I need to get other tasks completed
- I am tired and I need a break
When the basic needs of hunger, toileting and sleep have been met, the timer is a helpful tool that is used to help set boundaries and expectations for both you and your child for free play. The amount of time on the timer communicates how much time I can give her at that moment before I need to move on to a different task. When the timer ends there is not a one hundred percent guarantee that she will want to play by herself. If she is not feeling well or feeling insecure for whatever reason, she will be stuck to me like glue. The timer also helps, from the mother's perspective, in order for mom to be able to stay engaged in the 15-minute task of playing with baby or tea without checking out. You can set the timer for 20 or 30 minutes, depending on how much time you have available. You can also use the timer just to set the expectations for how much time you have before you need to move on to a different task on days that are not rushed.
The “play with me monster” will not be silenced until the needs of that toddler are met. Your direct attention and time, at this age, is still in the same importance category to them as eating and sleeping. They will cling and whine, be up in your face, show bad behavior- anything to get your attention. It is hard to know what the balance is when you have mommy guilt that tells you will never be able to satisfy the needs of the “play with me monster.” Also, children know when you are checked out, on your phone or somewhere else and can get frustrated by that. Setting a timer gives you the boundary to choose the next 15 minutes to not be on your phone or think of any of the other tasks that need to be completed- freedom for just time with you and your child.
Ways to provide set boundaries and expectation that is helpful for both toddler and mom
- Communicate what needs to be done that day
- Set the timer for whatever time you feel is sufficient for play time (usually under 7 mins is doesn’t work as well as 10 mins-30 mins)
- Set up a game, toys or a scenario that your child likes to play with
- Play that scenario with them that they like to play like school, kitchen, trucks etc
- Timer is up, mommy has to do a different task, but you are welcome to continue playing with the toys.
- Having the toys set up where you need to get the next task done is also helpful to be in a close proximity to them but not right next to them
- Also, having music on is helpful when they are solo playing.
IF you don't have 15 minutes to spend while you are trying to complete a task. It is time to brainstorm. Can I give them a wet rag so they can wash the cabinets while I sweep the floor.? Can I have them use a stool and "wash" dishes with me in the sink while I am washing dishes? Can I give them a pot with a potato in it that they can pretend to cook? Can I set up play dough so they can play with it while I finish a task. The ideas are endless. I would love to hear some of your ideas!
The expectation that you need to spend every waking moment entertaining your child is unreasonable. Short snippets of quality time with your direct focus will be most productive. The timer strategy will not only be beneficial for meeting the needs of your child but allow you to have the freedom to spend time with your child and also get other tasks completed in a day.
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